Stories you may have missed:

1. E Pluribus Unum to go


Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has announced plans to change the motto on US currency from E Pluribus Unum to Eschew Poetry Hooah! The change was deemed the best of thousands of entries to the Update the Greenback contest. Eschew Poetry Hooah! beat out some wieners like “Are You On Crack?” (The most reported on question to Enron’s Ken Lay) and “What, Me Worry?” (Mad Magazine’s motto from the 60s).


“We wanted something that would be truthful, relevant and cut out all ambiguity,” Geithner said. “The Hooah!” secured first place as the change has to be rubber stamped by congress, and no member of congress would ever vote against a military war cry.”


The Update the Greenback contest was Treasury’s response to the highly successful US Postal Service’s Duck stamp contest in which artist submit paintings of US ducks.


2. US Postal Service looses 2 Billion in first quarter


Citing mounting loses the US Postal Service will cancel its Duck stamp contest.


3. Billy Bob Thornton has new movie project


Billy Bob Thornton has accepted the lead role in Osama! a film based loosely on the life of Osama bin Laden. “I’m not sure he’s for real dead, of course, but the merchandise tie-ins (belt, beards, caftans) are terrific, and when Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell put their combine weight behind the project, well, I’m just a country-boy who can’t say no.”




4. The Old Foam-Man of the Mountain?


A Taiwanese firm has offered to build and install a replica of NH’s Old Man of the Mountain to its former place on Cannon Mountain. The face will be made completely of a space-age foam that matches the rock color of the original Old Man. A manufacturer’s spokesperson said, “When O Man go boom, everyone sad. Now, we want put him back. His face gets very long and sad when it rains. Maybe halfway down mountain, and he cry: boo hoo hoo hoo. But when he dry out, he crack big smile like man sitting on automatic colon cancer checker. What you think?”




5. Pakistan Searching To Rebrand With New Name


Now that Azerbaijan has won the Eurovision Song Contest [read that again], what’s next? Dancing Imams on American Idol? Maybe. But what is known for sure is that Pakistan, long called Obombastan in Air Force circles after the President upped his predecessor’s use of unmanned drones in the country, is actively seeking to rebrand itself with a new name.. Fahad Jamal [Lastnameunpronouncable] said we most desperately want to show the world our better side.” When this reporter asked which side was that, we got the inscrutable {old Pakistani} head waggle.


6. If Drugs Legalized, What’s Next?


Ron Paul, who is seeking the Republican nomination for President, believes, not only that the war on drugs has been an utter and complete failure, but that recreational drugs should be legalized. When asked if anything would be illegal if he were elected, Mr. Paul said, “Sure, I would make poetry illegal.” A Paul spokesperson said the Congressman misspoke himself. He meant to say poverty. [ed. We’re not so sure, but we’ve come full circle.]

On the Arab Spring and bin Laden


Having lived for fifteen years in Saudi Arabia, I have some opinions on the Arab Spring. I have no idea how things – country by country – will turn out, but I do think some of the knee-jerk things I experienced first hand in Saudi will have to somehow change.


The repression of women. To a man, Saudis would argue that this was a good thing and not repression at all. Somehow I think this attitude will have to change. This is a Catch 22 for Muslim men, however, for the more they protest, the worse things will get.


The restrictions on Single Men. When I wanted to rent an apartment across the street from the college where I worked, I could not because there were families in the building. I could not eat in a Family Section at a restuarant, either. Single men get discriminated against, too. Just not to the degree of women. This is a follow-on restriction from the first item and so will possibly change, too.


The restriction of the Internet. Working for a (supposedly) world class leader in electronics I could only get 512K (at best) download in the compound. Somehow I think the restrictions on communication will have to change. The company said they would be in violation of Saudi Law to do more. Most companies doing business in Saudi have long ago been Saudized to keep the customer happy. This should change, too.


Exit-Only Visas. One cause of the rebellion in the Arab world has been the heavy handedness of the police. Countries that require a visa to get out are police states and will have to change somehow.


Religious tolerance. Unfortunately, we’ve already seen attacks on Christians in Iraq and Egypt that in the short term will probably get worse. It’s hard to believe, however, that people willing to die in the streets for their own freedom will forever turn a blind eye to the freedom of others.


Restrictions on thinking. Group thinking has been a hallmark of Saudi in recent years (the ancient Muslim world at its height led the way in science and learning, but that’s not Saudi today). Creativity has been stifled for centuries. Hopefully this will change.


Corruption. Saudis were always chagrined to see their country below the center point of the rating scale for corruption by countries. In a patronage society, the line between corruption and patronage is often blurred, but in Saudi corruption is a big issue.


The Military as social feeding trough. While I would guess that there are some credible fighting forces in Saudi, I certainly never saw any. The military in Saudi is a social tactic used to insure domestic peace in our time by pulling young men off the street and putting them into the military. Because Saudi does not have a large population, this has worked in the past. If the Arab Spring comes to Saudi, the Saudis may rue this feeding trough tactic, though. The army in Egypt (and, in fact, in Thailand) is the only organization keeping a lid on things. Somehow this has to change.


The Regime’s Go-Slow for Change Policy. Many in the Saudi regime are sophisticated enough to know that change is inevitable. In the past, however, change gets derailed by the regime saying the people aren’t ready for change and we must go slow. Somehow this has to change.


On bin Laden. Osama was an iconic figure like Che Guevara. Those who fear another may take his place ought to ask themselves 1. Has there been another Che? 2. Osama has not been active in running Al Qaeda for years. Can you name the man now in charge? 3. It was Osama’s Saudi money that kept him alive – first in Tora Bora and then in Pakistan – and not like minded Muslims making jihad. Remember the chief scientist for Pakistan was convicted of selling nuclear secrets. Pakistan has a lot to answer for.


For those who say we should have turned the other cheek and just let the man live. Turning the other cheek is a sign of weakness in Muslim culture. If the West is perceived as weak, the hatred and attacks will continue. This wasn’t an act of hatred, it was an act of justice. And without justice there would be no kumbaya singing on Sunday.


I’ve been watching a lot of Gunsmoke on YouTube. At the beginning of each episode Marshall Dillon guns down a spoiler (Dillon’s term) right in front of a church. For those who think we should not celebrate the death of bin Laden or celebrate in private with a glass of cherry schnapps in the library, seemed to have come a long ways from Dodge City where every episode of Gunsmoke is a celebration of justice.


Final thoughts. I think virtually all Americans and most Muslims, too, are glad Osama has been committed to history. Now we can move on.


I am proud that my President (whom I didn’t vote for and probably won’t vote for again) saw his duty and did it. And for the first time in ages, I can say I am proud of our military, too. Good job.